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Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Perhaps I'm born evil....>
I have to admit that I can be truly hurt when people hide things from me. They say... what she doesn't know, wont hurt her. Yes... but what happen when she found out about it and felt betrayed. What if one day, you realised that you cant keep it away from her anymore. You need someone to blurt it out to. Then you start spilling the beans happily and hoping that she would feel happy for you and be happy with you. Haiz... I guess things just dont happen that way for me. Although, I am very much happy for you.
I blasted at him for you in the hope that things will be straighten out and the two of you would get back and things would be happy ever after. Unfortunately, the guy have to get so damn psychotic and keep saying that i've intruded his privacy. Well... My Ass!! I dont think i've intruded anyone's privacy just by asking a guy why is he avoiding a girl. He is so fucking full of crapz. Then he keeps bragging about his so called 'freedom of speech'. Honestly, it is more like he wants to have a revenge. Because he doesn't even know me at all but would very much like to attack me, so he simply attack me anyhow. Trying to hurt my feelings. Does it work? Obviously NOT! So you asked me to delete and blocked him on msn. Simply give in to him... let him says whatever he wants. Let him have his ego. Well, what about my ego? Why do you allow your boyfie to keep his ego and you dont allow me to have my ego? Why? Because he have a DICK and i dont? Honestly, it's not fair that you allow him to think that i've chickened out away from him. For that, I only have one condition... just keep him away from me.
I had a feeling that you went out with him that wednesday. He asked you to keep it away from me. I know you tried to hint to me but dont know how to. Well, cant you fight it out abt why must both of you hide something like that away from me. It's just a meet-up! No wonder he felt he got some advantage over me. Seeing you crying... saying that i'm the one who hurt you. Whereas he doesn't want to admit that he bloody hell hurts you too!!! Thinking that it is all over between the two of you, I simply let him go.
Weeks later, when things cooled off... You showed me your Ipod. Although you have been telling me, "Haiya... I can save up and buy for myself... the gift is not important", I knew the Ipod is from him! But you told me that you bought it yourself! And also abt what he commented abt ur msn nick when you put sentence from My Immortal. I knew it is something of recently. But no... you said something from long ago... You put me under the impression that both of you havent been chatting with one another. You never dare to reveal everything to me till you are very sure that i'm out of his grasp? Then you start telling me that both of you met that wednesday? Haiz... I simply told myself, benda sudah lepas. Nak buat aper sey... It's okay.
Then on Monday night, while i take a break from studying. You decided to msg me. You start to tell me about you still keep in touch with Hanz. And that the both of you have been chatting, planned to meet up and stuff. Then you go into the elaborated details about how he touched your heart. I was totally rolling my eyes and soo... not interested to know. I truly wonder, after keeping everything away from me for so long, how come suddenly you decide to tell me all these. I tried to cut the story short but you said that you belum habis cakap. Now you know why i dont allow you to habis cakap. Coz I was already fuming. You were too long-winded and i was running out of patience and time. The way your conversations about me between you and him are just not good enough. There are still things that he ought to know like you make me delete and blocked him?!?! You never tell him that, dont you? You can tell him somemore that, "Shida dont go looking for me" I think he must be gloating and feel fabulous about himself upon knowing i hadn't been a good friend. Of course, you did emphasize that you wouldn't leave me for him. For that, i'm honoured. Well, even if you do tell him that now... I think there is no point. At this moment rite now, it's like the song that goes... It's too late to apologize... if things are regarding Hanz. Due to all the things above and thanks to you... I HATE HIM. I really HATE HATE HATE him SO MUCH!
Dont tell me..."Please dont hate him". Well, okay I wont hate him. But do me a favour, I want him to be NON-EXISTENT. Initially, you let things flow according to your terms. Allowing him to be non-existent. Well, I want you to keep things that way but this time, it's on my term. I'm glad you guys still keep in touch but just dont let me hear ANYTHING abt it. Coz honestly, I dont want to know. It's better this way. You happy. I happy. Nope nope... I dont even want to hear, "I miss Hanz". Coz i can slammed back at you... "If you miss your boyfie, give him a call then, rite NOW!" Putting you out of misery of missing him and me out of misery of listening it. Pretty rational solution, dont you think?
I know whatever i say on Sunday hurts you and everything you read here would hurt you as well. Then, you would go and say, "I know i dont deserve to be happy" And that heightened my temper even more. Feels like taking a vase and smash it over your head, hoping that the impact would knock some sense into you. When i ask you to define happiness, you simply couldn't answer? People out there, please answer my qn. Is happiness suppose to be an absolute factor or a dependent factor? Perhaps you should really start to read self-help books such as Chicken Soup for the Soul. Dont go... "You have no idea what i've been through". Yeah, I dont! Hence perhaps you should read through these books coz it tells you abt what others' have been through and the lessons you can learn from it. Initially I tot that book is just full of crap. Teaching me things i already knew. But now i can see why such books are essential after all. And i'm serious!
I was so mad that i need to sleep the anger off before I can look through my notes again. Thank you so much! After reading this, telling Hanz about how i hurt you now would definitely make him so delighted! Dont worry... My approval of Hanz is not important. What i think abt him now, doesnt matter. You deserve to be happy with whoever you want to be. What is most important is that you are able to gain his parents approval and he be able to gain your son's approval and both of you can be together forever. Insya allah... Kalau ada jodoh, dia takkan kemana. Cuma dier buat darah Shida boil aje. Not because of all the above, but also by his lunatic mentality. No, i'm not being bias. Even if it wasn't for the fact that he had hurt you, I still think he is a weird and a lunatic who thinks he is smart and experienced but he is NOT. Keep us separated and you'll be fine. I dont have to know the details abt him. And i'm sure that is what he wants too.
I have to admit that i do have something against the JERKS from Tagged. But I DO NOT have something against guys in general. So it's also NOT FAIR that both of you agreed on the fact that I have problems against guys. What the hell? If i do, i wont have great guyfriends like Shahid, Hariz, Daniel, Tian Tian, Justin and Khai. Why cant all the guys in the world be as decent as these guys I mentioned? Shankeri dearie... I miss Khai so much. He is currently working as an IT guy in some sec sch. Forgot which sch but for a diploma, he got quite a good starting pay. Man... When is your last day of work? We should soo... meet up with that guy one day.
